Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
Oh? I just remember dropping coins and trying to give the manager change to let me back into the bar.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
True life: I got so drunk that i took a shower with my clothes on at 4 am...
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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