went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
BTW. If I show up really drunk and dressed a cowboy, don't be alarmed
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
If he thinks that that is an acceptable way to ask me out he is out his goddamn ginger mindddddd.
you dont know your limits until you wake up with a black eye and a bruised rib and find out you got ran over by a bicycle last night
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
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