we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door
and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.
Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
He can move his dick. Like on its own. WHY DID I NOT GIVE BLOWJOBS BEFORE?!
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
