he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I asked her if she could eat some Doritos so when we made out it would taste awesome
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
my underwear is inside out , I have a giant hickie. I'm wearing last nights makeup. this is going to be the best day at work ever
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