WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
I completely forgot about the posting of partying pics shortly after adding my gma my dad was like grandma says your all over fb but she doesn't know how to use it. Of course I'm all over her fb. She's got 6 friends I am her newsfeed
He was doing dishes, naked. I dropped to my knees and gave him head. Teamwork level- pro..
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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