did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
if I die on the way please explain to my mother that I do not wear fishnets on a regular basis
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Note to self: make sure the door is locked before the handcuffs go on.
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
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