My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
i don't even remember going to get food. i think i got gas too.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
what is it with giant penises always finding me
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Sorry for yelling at you, I'm just really emotional about missing comicon.
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