The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
so how about you dont randomly call my mother during parties?
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Randomize
