I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
He wants a "vagina fling" before he commits to dick for life. I'm gonna allow it.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.
This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Randomize
