The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
Did you seriously just hashtag my sex life as #yolo2013?
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I passed out in my bed, but woke up on the dog bed,with no pants, snuggling with toilet paper and a bottle of softsoap. Ive hit a new low.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
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