I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
I just need some dick and some jimmy johns
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
