This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
I had to explain the gravity bong to my mom. Right after she pointed out I have a lot of dicks on my floor at any given moment.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
The extent of "getting it in" was this creepy guy sticking his finger in my bellybutton
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I disagree, if your last name is Weiner then the sending of dick pics should be mandatory. I'd give him a pass.
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
just woke up on the floor with a bottle in my hand. and by bottle, i mean a baby bottle. half filled with tequila.
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
Randomize
