I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...
i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
It's snowing in May and there was a law school party at the strip club. The end is near.
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
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