good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.
YouTube is recomending me a video on how to make a home made meth bong, what has my life come to?
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...
Your 'drink of the future' makes sense now- you feel it for atleast 10 hours into the future
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
