This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
wanna come over? I have movies.
sure, what movies
porn or disney, your choice
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
Dude I think the cat just licked the coke plate
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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