why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
my mom just asked me why she found a half-eaten burrito in the hamper
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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