i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.
Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Horrible. I told her my girlfriend is in the hospital and she tried to give me a lapdance.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
That girl from the bar sent me a text saying that she wants to wear my cock as a hat. A cock hat. Is that good or bad?
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
I peed in Andys sink the other day bc I didnt want him to hear me pee
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
