I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
You should just wear a sign that says "I like cheap Chinese food and anal"
I like taco bell too
Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
Santa was walking around downtown handing out stuff at the bars. He gave me a free eyebrow wax. I think he's trying to tell me something
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
