Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.
I know it's pride week, but your asshole is just never supposed to taste like banana.
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
If the river was whiskey, it would be the best river ever.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
Can you technically cross something off your bucket list if you don't, per say, remember it....?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
I wrote life affirmations on my notes to repeat and read several times a day so I become a better person, see the time on the toilet has been constructive
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
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