someone threw a dead crab at me
Classy? Dude, she fucked 3 guys as part of a scavenger hunt
And?
Just desperately used the "it's a boy" cigar I saved from my\nnephews birth to roll a blunt
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
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