Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
It's time for everyone's favorite Wednesday night game... WHEEL OF. VODKA!!!!!
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He looks like Aladdin, and that's about all he's got going for him.
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
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