There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.
you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits
There's something odd about buying beer for the first time while wearing my school sweater from kindergarten, but I don't mind.
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
Was it you I was with where I saw a guy open a beer with his butt?
So I'm at early voting and the group of ladies behind me is talking about voting no on 2 and my gummy is kicking in, thank lawd
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
Everybody at Lexi's party found out I'm both a screamer and a moaner after he ate me out on the pool table downstairs. Just another sunday night in Alaska
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