Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Ok well hopefully you're not staging an intervention for me at your place because I'm bringing beers
Guess who just sucked off 1/5 of one direction?
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She has no problem going ass to mouth, but won't eat the pizza crust. I don't get it.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
It smells like grilled cheese and sexual frustration
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize