He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
He wore the same cologne as my orthodontist so all I could think about was how I hadn't worn my retainer in months
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
well, you know. whores of a feather.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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