I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
No it wasn't her, this girl had both hands.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
we started pounding beers an hour ago to celebrate our personal snow day tomorrow. vodka shots for u of i's actual decision are on standby.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
Just to prove a point, she called and ordered a pizza 10 min before she ordered the blow and it still got here first. I may never leave LA.
I told you!!! And that is why he's the drug dealer to the stars.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
Randomize
