Please explain to me what this has to do with my fantasy to fuck larry king?
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
