I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
