do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Soo I have a handle of 100 proof captain, cupcakes, and nothing to get up for in the morning.. This blizzard is shaping up to be a great night.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.
How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
Just threw up in a baggy on the airplane. The guys next to me clapped and bought me a jack and coke.
Livin the dream
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
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