i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
The project manager just came into talk to me for the first time and I had justed googled best drum solo ever and couldn't X out of the screen.
Ya! She had a north face on tho so she was a classy hooker.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
Randomize
