I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
You didn't act like you were blacked out yesterday...
I didn't know
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I just had to close my blinds so my neighbors wouldn't see me drinking a beer at 9 am. GO CHIEFS!
If you could get me there thatd be perfect. I doubt there's extradition on the moon.
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
Randomize
