Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
well in DOG beers, i've only had one
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
moral of my life: don't tell a guy you want to have sex with him. he'll get back together with his ex.
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Randomize
