i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
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