I went from sexy to sloppy in a matter of minutes
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
I don't appreciate you drunk dressing passed-out me in spandex for bed
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
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