dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
I told you I would drunk text you sometime........its that time.
You going to midnight mass? we need a dd
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
