Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.
he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
Drunk man just fell out of said wheelchair
Randomize
