Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
pain. pain everywhere. this is why throwing yourself at concrete is a bad idea.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
The uberlube is also flammable
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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