Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
Do you remember peeing on the wall and then yelling at us to stop looking at your dick?
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
So we just accidentally broke into a building from the third floor while carrying shovels. The security guards are still very confused
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
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