he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
Remember that girl from my stats. class that I ran into at the bar 2 weeks ago? She literally hasn't been to class once since I told her I sit behind her.
seriously considering getting an electric blanket rather than sleeping with guys this winter for warmth.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
