k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
tonight's goal was "most regrettable decision" and you bring wine coolers?
I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Can you please tell him to stop calling me ma'am? I'm starting to remember what it's like to have self respect
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
How long is enough time to schedule homosexual exploration... Like an hour?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
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