Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
You can tell alot about a person by their poo.. For example, he was a smoker.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
all a girl really needs is a few good pair of leggings and a drug dealer that delivers.
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
Randomize
