her nipple to breast ratio was just odd
They have to be talking about me. I never heard that statement until I was born.
Walk of Shame. In a state park.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
