Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Fuck romance. Just shaved my nipples in the shower because I felt like it. That's the life I'm about.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Your slutty phase was the highlight of my year.
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
