Dude my mom stole all your condoms
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Randomize