I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
She gave me a boner for the first time in 9 years.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
