We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
Oh. They ARE dating. Kinda sad. Have such an urge to be a huge bitch and steal him but my morality is in the way. FUCK YOU MORALITY.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
Pretty sure he sprained my tongue. This is why you don't hook up with gingers.
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
Randomize
