maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
I don't know if it was the room or her, but as soon as the pants came off, it smelt like a locker room and old man farts.
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
I got to the party and found your shoes in a bag of Funyuns. You weren't even there.
I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
sometimes you just have to listen to beyonce and cry. that's how life works
Randomize
