C thinks vomiting on the batroom floor = reaon not to party. Lies. Party continues.
a mothers knocking is a guaranteed boner softener
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I can't thank you enough for the well-timed blowjob. What a huge improvement in my outlook on the day.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
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