Capitaan dildo arrescate!
this boner is exhausting
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
Apparently having him hold an open book in front of me while i'm blowing him doesn't count as studying...
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Just asked my roommate if she needs one of my old pill bottles to hold her weed during our move tomorrow. What has grad school done to me?
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
I'm sitting naked on my bathroom floor and it remind me of us.
That's my way of saying I miss you
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
