Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Skipped a towel and decided to spit the cum into his face. I now owe him new contacts.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
Dude we smoked with a bunch of random stoners in a forest, then group hugged. It was the most magical thing we've ever done.
You sent me a snapchat of you hugging a beer with the caption "best friend"
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
I've had way too many dicks in my mouth the past two weeks. Ready to go back to school and be a doctor now
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