can you explain to me why you commented on every one of my profile pics with "tits and beer ftw" please and thank you.
Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.
Im going in through the window and borrowing her dog. Dont worry ive done this before. we have an agreement.
Dress was in bathroom covered in shards of glass, earrings on living room floor, bracelet still missing, purse in backyard. The cast of Princess Bride all left the bar to make sure I was ok. Perfect night
I woke up on his couch and my bra was flung across the floor and filled with animal crackers
If you got me high enough to laugh at a ceiling fan until I shat my pants you should at least have the decency to buy me another pair
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
There's wax on my nightstand, my sheets look like Christmas, and my vagina feels like it got into a fight. All signs of a good night
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