cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
yea man just watch out- theres a shitload of broken glass in your bed
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
We played table tennis, but used tv remotes taped to our foreheads instead of paddles. Every time your opponent scored you took a shot. I'm the current champion as of last night.
I had to bail out of the tour de Franzia because I have class Saturday morning. Grad school is ruining my life
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
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