you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
You ate ashes out of my bong
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
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