found a dugout with weed in it in dad's car. decided to top up the weed compartment with salvia. for fun.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I feel like you pissing on my ping pong table isn't something to be proud of.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Sorry about the weird guinea pigs text. I was drunk and they were freaking me out
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
I'll text you when I have a mental breakdown about it.
Please do.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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