btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer
i owe you one
thanks for snagging those panties for me
i can't believe i never thought of this: farticle man
time to smoke my breakfast
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
how do you feel about lunch break shots ?
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize