Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
It finally happened. Some guy just tried to catfish me with my own dick pic. Of course I told him that it was the hottest dick I'd ever seen and that I would do anything for that particular dick.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Everytime after he came, he'd laugh uncontrolably for ten mintutes. He was sober..
Randomize
