If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Puked on a Tom Jones impersonator on the strip
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
he told me I was hypnotizing him with my mouth so I guess I do give good head
Randomize
