After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize
