The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
I woke up to find his roommate face down on the couch with no pants on, with a sticky note that said "was lost but now am found"
You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
Oh yeah, found out i got it from my boyfriend's wife. Thanks though.
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I spend so much of my life shaving my body hair off and I want nothing more than his beard in all my hairless places.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
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