girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.
I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
