Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
soooo.. i guess the cop said he'd drop the charges if i go to some AA meetings and i said fuck AA. not one of my better choices.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.
I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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