rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.
the diet of an alcoholic...
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Good morning love! Friendly reminder that we decided to make leggings with a vagina zipper. "For the winter quickie"
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
I HATE BEING THIS HIGH FML IT'S LIKE I'M MAKING UP FOR ALL THE 4:20S I DIDNT DO ALL AT ONCE
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