it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
Hey.. Lock your door. There's a drunk girl walking around in here. She just came in my room and peed on my chair.
My ovaries melted while we were talking. I almost told him I would suck his soul out through his dick
That would be a memorable parent teacher conference for sure
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