i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Ever got a vibrator stuck in ur hair? Is worse that getting ur hairbrush stuck.
...well that sucks.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am downstairs in the bar now having a beer...actually I ordered two beers and placed one across from me in front of an open chair. I did this for appearance sake, so nobody knew I was double fisting all alone. I'm getting hungry now. I'm thinking of ordering two meals just to keep appearances up.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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